"Man Plans, God Laughs..." used to be one of my favorite sayings. It's not as funny any more. I think the thing I hate worse about cancer after the suffering of the patient, is the uncertainty.
Now keep in mind, I am an optimistic control freak. Picture this, a life in which I cannot plan too far ahead because I am not able to predict when my husband will feel well enough to participate. Soon the war begins between frustration and guilt.
One of my priorities in life is to make sure everyone is as happy as they are able. This extents from a client who depends on my professional advice to my five year old son who is sad, and having trouble keeping his hands to himself in kindergarten. As I have gotten older, I admit my need to please has been replaced by a much more realistic and healthy appreciation of limitations.
The challenge? How do I take care of my husband who is having a bad day, my business, my young children and my laundry. Now the laundry was not that important in this equation until my son got chocolate and tomato sauce on his Gi (karate uniform) this evening and has to be at the studio again tomorrow. Frustration? That is obvious. Guilt? I'm running on empty again.
This blog has been very helpful by allowing me to slowly and surely deal with my feelings. My new part time housekeeper is allowing me to slow down. Ironically, I am a little more sad and a lot more tired. I understand for survival purposes I have been compartmentalizing my feelings and running on pure adrenelin. Feeling a little sad and tired is healthy, just frustrating.
The guilt is because there is so much more I can be doing with my extra time. I am forcing myself instead to take time for ME. That means it is OK to say no to my husband or my kids when they just wants me to pay attention to them. I just wish it wasn't so hard.
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