It has been almost one year since my last post. Things have been a little crazy for our family. In October, 2012, my husband passed away from Kidney Cancer. In the minutes, hours, days, weeks and now months since our family was changed forever, I have found many more resources for myself and my young children. With that in mind, I updated my links to include a Grief Support Links section.
I continue to have people ask me for resources during their family's fight with cancer, and I refer them to this site. I am also having quite a few people ask me about resources when their family has experienced a loss, so I can now also refer them to this site.
The only thing I can say to a spouse who has or who will be loosing their partner is that there is no way you can truly prepare for the overwhelming grief, relief and guilt. It is like turning your back to the ocean during a storm. The mighty waves will come. You can't predict when or how. At first, it will be like a hurricane. The waves come over and over. They send you tumbling and crashing. You feel like you can't breathe. When you come up for air, you find you are still gasping because the pain in your chest is so unbearable. You know you are a strong swimmer. How can this be happening? Why is the undertoe so strong that it keeps pulling you out to sea? How am I going to survive?
It has been less than a year for me. The waves still come, but thankfully they are less often and less severe. I still choke on the water I swallow from a swamping wave of grief. My chest still hurts. The undertoe has weakened. My muscles are stronger. I have my life raft nearby - support of family, friends, therapist and the ability to just shut down for a little while.
At first, I was mad at my life raft for dumping me into the stormy sea by pulling away so quickly after his death, but they have their own lives and families. Now I realize that pulling the life raft away was necessary to force me to swim on my own, but it's still there within my reach.
The waves still come. They still send me tumbling. I am getting pretty good at climbing on my life raft and weathering the storm. Later, I jump back in the water. Someday, maybe, just maybe, the waves will become a natural part of visiting the beautiful beach.
