I have found that if you talk to any family that is currently experiencing cancer, you will find the worst part of having scans is not the scans themselves. It is not even the anticipation of having a scan. It is after the scan has been preformed... waiting for the results.
In my case, my 51 year old husband has stage 4 Rhabdoid Kidney Cancer. It is a very aggressive and rare form of Juvenile Kidney Cancer. He was diagnosed last August. In September, we were told by one doctor to expect new growth at his next scan... none was there. Love it, when they are wrong for those types of things. In December? Still no new growth. Whoopee! Maybe a misdiagnosis? In April? Six new tumors, four of which were over 2 cm in size. OH SHIT. What do we do now?
Move three months into the future... 15 radiation treatments and a new cancer medication later, we are getting ready for new scans. The scans occurred on Wednesday and results were today, Monday. Every time this happens, I swear I won't allow the waiting to overcome me. Every time, it gets worse. The reason why? Every time, the results of that scan can tell me whether or not the love of my life will live or die. Obviously, that is not reality, but it sure feels that way. The dilemma? I cannot let the patient know I am scared, because inexplicably, he will then be scared. Bullshit! You both are scared.
I am sure, I am not the only person out there that prepares for the worse - hospice, and prays for the best, total remission. Neither is probable, but as a mother of a 10 and 6 year old, I feel it is necessary. The really weird thing is how do you handle somewhere in between? The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news." The cancer has not progressed in the brain - very good news. The cancer has progressed everywhere else - very bad news. BUT, the cancer is not progressing as fast as before - good news? I am now officially confused and exhausted. Lesson: you cannot fix this!
The worst part? So now we wait for another 3 months for the next scan. Note to self: did what you did the last three months. Enjoy life, enjoy the time you have together, don't worry about the future. You know life is short, but worrying wastes the time you have. Acceptance is easier said than done, and give yourself a break. If you can't give yourself a break, just catch yourself and start over again. Day two, three or four... what wonderful things are we going to do today? Cuddle in bed and watch movies? Sounds like a great plan.
Remember: you do not need to cram the rest of your life into one day. Before my kids' grandmother passed away, they had the most wonderful day. Movies and popcorn in bed with lots of love and snuggles.
My solution? First, accept that there is no silver bullet that will take away the pain. Very hard to do. Second, make a list of the all my stressers, which coincidentally are my to do lists. Prioritize, get the most important done, ask for help for the rest (www.lotsahelpinghands.com or www.caringbridge.com), and if it doesn't get done? Let it go. Third, enjoy quality time. Plan vacations with the kids or even, dare I say it, just the two of us? The four of us just got back from an almost three week vacation where we visited most of our family. At the end, my wonderful Mother took the kids for a week. It was amazing. Key? Be realistic. My husband does not enjoy lots of people and loud places. It really tires him out. He really enjoyed the one or two on one time. I also planned a day or two of rest between visits. This really helped. The problem is getting your loved ones to patiently wait in line. Everyone wants to see "the patient." Just because everyone wants to see "you," doesn't mean that you have to allow them to gang up.
Lastly, if you are financially tight, there are a lot of organizations out there that are begging to help you and don't cost a dime. Check out some of the links on my home page. For example, my children are enjoying a wonderful camp all week, called Camp Kesem. They are having a great time and I have time to write on my blog at no cost to us. Win, win...
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